You Lost Me

Two weeks ago I shared some thoughts from Steven Garber’s book The Fabric of Faithfulness about the importance of connecting belief and behavior, especially during the college years. Developing a coherent worldview that makes sense of life, finding a mentor, and participating in community, he says, are three key factors in preparing college graduates not just to get a job that “pays the bills” but to be prepared to live well.

Today I turn to a closely related book, You Lost Me: Why Young Christians Are Leaving Church… And Rethinking Faith (Baker) by David Kinnaman, president of the Barna Group and co-author, with Gabe Lyons, of the much-talked about book unChristian.

Kinnaman states the problem clearly: “More than half of all Christian teens and twentysomethings leave active involvement in church.”

When I was graduating high school and starting college I found myself at a crossroads. I looked around at our church of a couple hundred members and saw just about no young adults who had stuck around. Some had gone off to college elsewhere, but like many others I was staying in the area and would be commuting to a state university in the fall. I never did any formal research, but it seemed to me at the time that I had one of three options: (1) stay put and either join my parents in their Sunday school class or pretend I was still part of youth group; (2) find a new church; or (3) drop out altogether.

The third option didn’t appeal to me, and while staying put is a good move for some people, I decided it was best to find a new church. And I did. I found a large church in the area that had a young adult ministry, with some who had grown up in that church, others who hadn’t really experienced church before, and others like me who transferred. I was part of that church for a decade — for a while as part of the ministry staff — until I moved away last fall.

I’m grateful to have found a church community that provided some stability and helped me and so many others to grow spiritually during the tumultuous twenties. I know that finding a church like that is far from inevitable, and I’m grateful.

Kinnaman is careful not to pinpoint the blame for the alarming drop-out rate on anyone in particular, but he does share what young adults have repeatedly said when his team interviewed them. Basically, this: you lost me.

We’re living in a time of “compressed social, cultural, and technological change,” he writes, and churches must do more to figure out how to adapt while remaining faithful to scripture and mission. Of course, in many cases, one’s decision to leave a church has more to do with that person than with the church, but all too often, the church has failed to give young people good reasons to stick around.

In Kinnaman’s research, the most common complaints are that churches are seen as overprotective, shallow, antiscience, repressive, exclusive, and doubtless. He unpacks each of these themes chapter by chapter, and it seems to me he does so graciously and with nuance. And he suggests shifts churches can make to do their part not to lose this generation of church kids. The recommended shifts are good ones, I think, though not necessarily predictable at first glance.

Rather than seeking to protect teens and young adults from “the world,” churches can become communities of discernment. To counter the view that church is shallow, boring, or irrelevant to our lives, he suggests an emphasis on apprenticeship. For the many who struggle to reconcile science with faith, churches can draw upon the biblical theme of stewardship. Rather than simply focusing on repressing human desires, churches can affirm deep, healthy relationships. While some claims of Christianity are indeed exclusive, we’re called to love and embrace everyone as people made in the image of God. And finally, while airtight apologetics sometimes leave little room for those with doubts, there is something irreplaceable about becoming doers of the word together.

Young adults leaving church isn’t all new, and as always, many who leave may eventually wander back on their own, one way or another. But it would be a whole lot better if churches took seriously these factors that seem to be pushing church kids away, and do what we can to give them meaningful reasons to stick around.

I’m grateful for those who are giving a lot of attention to theologies of faith and work, and the importance of vocation. The Washington Institute for Faith, Vocation & Culture is one good example. For those wrestling through questions of science and faith, I think of The Colossian Forum. And for those frustrated that churches seem unwilling to grapple with tough questions and those with doubts, I’m encouraged by Antioch Church’s Redux, affirming that it is good to ask questions.

I know there are pastors, parents, church leaders, students, and all kinds of others all over the country and all around the world who are committed to young adults and their spiritual journeys. If that’s you, thank you.

If you’re one who feels that the church has lost you, I’m sorry. But please don’t give up. We need you.